Friday, February 02, 2007

Fear of a white dress

Blogging is more fun than packing, as are most things, because I hate packing.

Tomorrow, insha Allah, I'm off to the homeland of husband for in-law meetings and wedding party adventures.

I feel a bit sorry for my in-laws really. It must be hard if your son goes abroad to study and comes back married - and married to a white girl too!

Convert or not, white girls get a bad press. The common perception is that they've run out of white or black guys to sleep with and so they've moved on to Arab/Desi men as they are more likely to commit to marriage. White girls are terrible at all aspects of house work and will not take care of their husbands. Finally, they have no desire to live outside of their own country. I was speaking to an Arab friend of mine, and in many films the western women tells her poor neglected husband "It's me or (insert name of country here)".

So many times, being a convert means being made to feel second-best and nowhere is this more apparent then when it comes to choosing a marriage partner. Out and out racism gets covered in a gloss of "similar backgrounds being important". I know that convert brothers and non-white sisters and brothers have an even tougher time. Insha Allah, I will write a proper post on the shoddy way converts are treated when they are looking for a spouse.

Back to the white dress. I feel nervous about wearing it because I feel uneasy at the thought of being judged and found wanting, solely on the grounds of my ethnicity.

I've discussed this with my husband. His feeling is that he is happy with his choice of wife, anyone who thinks differently should keep their opinions to themselves.

The problem is, I don't just want them to keep their opinions private, I want them to not hold such negative views in the first place.

Is that too much to ask?


Baraka said...

Salaam & good luck as you off to your wedding!

I do understand your anxiety - I'm married to a white convert & there were definitely some rough spots with my Pakistani family.

But his cheerful and caring nature had them crazy about him in no time, and five years later that hasn't changed - except to grow deeper.

Just be your beautiful self and insha-Allah they will all love you!


otowi said...

Wear the white dress if you want to - and don't even think about what other's might think - who cares???? Your wedding is about you, not them.

Alina said...

Prejudice and racism can be found everywhere in the world and they are always hard to deal with. Wish you to be welcome in the most positive attitude ever. And as it's your wedding party, wear whatever makes the two of us happy. The rest does not matter, at least on you special day.

kaleidomuslima said...'s your big day, so i wouldn't worry about what you choose to wear for it. if they have a problem, then that goes to show you what kind of people you are dealing with.

btw, i hear you about the white convert girl issue. i have a friend who has been waiting to get married to her paki fiance, but the whole thing is a secret because his dad told him straight up that "converts are not real muslims." she's gonna have a hell of a ride getting on her in-laws' good side!

Virgin Man said...

I knew for a fact that most white girl convert because of marriage. That's the conversion by convinience, not by faith. If divorced, most of them will de-converted to their original belief.

Safiya said...

Alhamdulilah the wedding party was great, thank you so much for your kind wishes. I will post about it soon, insha Allah.

As for Virgin Man, if you care to read this blog, you will find that myself and most of the other "white girl converts" who either comment here or are linked here, converted long before marriage. So keep your spurious facts to yourself.

Alhamdulilah, I became Muslim for myself and not to please any man.

MoonLightShadow said...

Congratulations for your wedding.. Wish you the best days to come :)

Ali la Loca said...

Hi Safiya,

I’ve been trying to comment on your blog but each time my words are eaten by the hungry void of blogger.

What I wanted to say is this:

I wish you the best of luck on your trip to meet your in-laws, and I really hope that they can put assumptions and unfounded opinions aside and see you as the beautiful, kind girl that will make their son happy for the rest of his life. It seems you have found a really nice companion, and I am certain that no matter what the reaction is from his parents, he will stick by you – obviously he’s already seen through the things that hang-up many other Muslims when getting to know a convert, especially a white convert as you say.

Good luck, and I look forward to hearing your tales of the trip.

bibliophile said...

Salaams sister

Good luck on the acceptance front. I am barely tolerated by most, accepted by maybe one or two. After a decade or two of marriage.

Learn the lingo but don't tell anyone you know what they are talking about. Then you will really get to know what they think, regardless of what they say to you in English.

It ain't pretty.

I really, hope you have a better and easier time of it than that, in sha Allah.

alienbea said...


As long as you've got your husband's support, you should be able to face anything the in-laws throw at you...and alhumdillah, masha'Allah, you do. :)

Insha'Allah they will soon learn to see you through their son's eyes!

Virgin Man -- how it is possible that you "knew for a fact" that white girls convert because of marriage? How many white girls have come up to you and discussed the issue of their faith with you? And why do you have such a poor view of white women, anyway? I read your blog. You seem terribly misogynistic. I thank God my own husband -- who met me after I became Muslim, so I couldn't have converted for him (what a concept! That I, and others like me, could have ever converted due to belief!) -- is nothing like you.

luckyfatima said...

virgin man: i converted 6 years before my marriage. i know many many women who converted before marriage. I also know many many women who converted AFTER marriage who are mashallah very good and practicing Muslims. Allah is the Judge. Not you. So stop being a judgemental jerk.